“It is not to do with conclusions but with entering into the middle”

It’s so easy to laugh
It’s so easy to hate
It takes guts to be gentle and kind

But it takes considerably less guts, Phil, to quote someone instead of speaking your own words. You came here to touch and be touched, and instead you’ve painted yourself into a corner, hiding behind a racist vegan. Again.

And worse, you’ve drawn attention to this failure of style and substance, and risk rapidly descending into pseudo-spirals of postmodern irony. This wasn’t the point. The point was to be gentle and kind and to throw yourself into the middle and all you’ve done is laugh at and diminish yourself (and by extension anyone reading this).

What then? Confessional? That’s too distant an ideal, but something to strive for maybe. Any confession here, now, would be too knowing, too calculated.

Instead, just do what you should have at the start: say why you’re doing a blog again. I’m doing a blog because I don’t like how easy the facebooks are. I find it far too easy to slide into pre-made forms of living through which I can isolate myself from the messiness of the between. I find it far too easy to stay clean and clear of the mess by withdrawing and concluding, rather than entering into the middle. So this is an attempt to undermine myself. It will necessarily fail, as I am curating this just as much as anything else, but at least this failure will be mine and not Ian Facebooks’. At least I’m (just a little bit) vulnerable.

Yesterday I came across the idea that to understand is to be vulnerable. This idea repulses me and attracts me all at once, like Nicki Minaj in that Anaconda video. Ah, bullshit, I can’t restart this blog with lies. I am not repulsed at all by Nicki Minaj. I was just trying to be cool.

It was easy to start this blog when I had something self-justified to say, and when I couldn’t really be wrong – I was writing about my own reasons for doing a thing, so only I knew if (that) I was right. Plus I knew that at least a few people would be interested. But that’s too easy. Understanding means being vulnerable means being wrong. It doesn’t mean being cool. This is an attempt to betray myself and to be wrong. I can’t do that on the Facebooks.

So, to conclude, when I came dissatisfied to my computer this morning, determined to put up some kind of a struggle against the isolating comfort of life lived at one remove, I was hoping not to have to say this, but say it I will:

I like listening to, and watching the videos of, Nicki Minaj. Especially the anaconda one.

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